i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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