My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
