Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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