You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
