I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
