she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
