I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
