i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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