Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
