I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
