Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
