I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
