Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
