I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
