i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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