It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
