I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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