white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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