So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
