So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
