and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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