So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
