On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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