well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
