so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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