you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
