how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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