Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
