I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
