I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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