He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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