haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
