I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
