shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
