awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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