I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
