I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
