Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
