i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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