I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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