Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Randomize
