is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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