I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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