Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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