and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
