my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
