Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
