I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
