forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I faked an abortion last night.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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