I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
