The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
