Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
