Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
