I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
