We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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