So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I stole a fireplace last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
