Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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