I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
