I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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