i just sent this text using only my big toe
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
