and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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